Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Imperial Council Denies Involvement In Clement Injury

Despite infidel accusations to the contrary, the Imperial council vehemently deny any involvement in the injury of Red Sox pitcher Matt Clement. Emperor Palpatine said in a statement today, "While it is in the realm of our powers to affect the trajectory of a hit baseball so that it would smash a pitcher in the head. It is a violation of Sith Lord law to use your powers to affect the outcome of a baseball game. If it has been found that a Sith Lord was involved in this action, they shall be dealt with harshly."

Clement was taken off on a stretcher after being hit by a line drive by Devil Rays outfielder Carl Crawford in the third inning Tuesday. Reports that Carl Crawford has been taking computer courses on how to tap into the power of the Dark Side of the force are erroneous.

"Carl Crawford, being a member of an AL East Rival, is a member of a Level 1 Infidel organization." the Emperor said, "Teaching someone even the most rudimentary aspects of the dark arts is punishable by banishment or death. Even if Clement's injury is beneficial to the Empire, the potential benefits are far outweighed by the harm of an infidel learning the ways of the dark side. The results could wreak havoc on the entire baseball universe." When asked how that could possibly happen, Emperor Palpatine said, "Imagine Tampa or Colorado in first place. Then multiply that 100 and you get an idea of the potential havoc wreaked by such a violation."

Imperial investigators are also looking into the possibility of a rogue Sith Lord who is currently in hiding, possibly being involved in the incident. Investigators suspect that General Zod (seen here using his powers), might have been involved in the Tampa incident. Zod, who has been charged with treason for aiding and abetting the Mets in their recent successful homestand, has been in hiding ever since the indictments came in. His wife and family are being held in custody until he surrenders.


Blogger FenwayParked said...

Dear Mr. Evil Empire
I'm back after doing something more positive than being bogged down in a blog.
I do have a question for you. Remember when Andy Petitte got hit?

7:48 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home