Infidels At Stadium Meet Their Fate, Laying Down The Lawton

A virtually perfect night at the Stadium Friday was almost ruined by infidels. You'd think that the Yankees are holding on to a 5-1 lead with Randy Johnson pitching a very solid eight innings would be enough hold the attention of the fans in attendance. Not if they're infidels with ADD. Around the sixth or seventh inning, these inbred skanks start doing the wave. An exercise banned by the Emperor. One infidel had the audacity to look at me and wonder why I didn't join in. Ignorance must be bliss. After the game, His Royal Badness, being a Sith Lord of his word, took care of the offending infidels as they left the stadium...



The bodies were dumped in the Harlem River and Imperial officials alerted Mayor Bloomberg's office so that they could alert the infidels families. Some of you might be alarmed by the harshness of the punishment for such a seemingly minor crime. Under the NYC Infidel Extermination Act of 2000, Imperial officials are allowed to exterminate up to 30,000 infidels at once on Stadium Grounds if they commit one or more of the following offenses:

1) Do the Wave
2) Chant Yankees Suck at the Stadium
3) Chant Boston, Mets, etc Suck...and they're not playing said team.
4) Chant "Fenway's Better"
5) Chant "Shea is Better"
5) Wear "Jeter Sucks, A-Rod Blows" shirts
6) Wear Any anti-Yankee Paraphernalia in the Stadium
7) Say Carlton Fisk was better than Thurman Munson in the Stadium
8) Wear Pink Yankee Hats

Taken off the list was the chant, "Nomar's Better". Once a favorite chant among Third World Nation infidels, after Jeter's July 1, 2004 performance, even the most deluded infidels didn't have the balls to ever say that again.

Now the last one is a sore subject for some. I had that added because I think Pink Yankee Paraphernalia is a threat to our Imperial way of life. Unfortunately, noone has been executed just for wearing the hat. But I counted several hundred of the 10,000 executed last night wearing pink hats and blouses. So my choice was redeemed last night.

The Yankees, last night, might have made one of their better waiver wire moves since getting Jeff Nelson back for Armando Benitez in 2003. Here's what Bill Madden reported in today's Daily News....

With an outfielder their most pressing need as they try to claw out a playoff berth, the Yankees last night acquired ex-Met Matt Lawton from the Cubs for an A-ball minor league pitching prospect.
Lawton, who hit .268 with 11 homers and 49 RBI in 120 games with Chicago and Pittsburgh this season, likely will be plugged into left field with Hideki Matsui moving to center on regular occasions as the Yankees address what has been a problem for them all season long. According to sources, the deal came down in the middle of last night's 5-1 Yankee win over the Royals, after it had been learned earlier in the day that Lawton had cleared waivers.

In all likelihood, this will mean Bernie Williams' primary duties from here on out will be as a designated hitter.

"I've watched the World Series in Yankee Stadium. Now I hope to play in one," Lawton said by phone yesterday from Chicago.

The Yanks are believed to be shipping Staten Island righty Justin Berg to the Cubs, who will save the roughly $1 million remaining on Lawton's contract.

The Yankees are hoping the lefthanded Lawton - who played 48 games for the Mets in 2001 after being traded from Minnesota for Rick Reed - will arrive in time for today's game against K.C.

I've liked Lawton's game for years. I've always wondered why he could never find a home somewhere though. He's never seemed to get any bad press. He's a good player, just not a player you build a team around. I think he would fit in perfectly on this team. Put him in left, bat him eighth or ninth. You not only strengthen your outfield defense. You solidify the bottom of your order and your bench. Plus, you get a guy who's going to be playing for a contract somewhere next year. Great move for the stretch run.